Bye Bye Superwoman

When the going gets tough, the tough get going – that’s what I would tell myself every time my world fell apart. And shit happened so bloody often that somewhere I think I forgot to give myself a break.

And then I broke down. Completely. I’m still putting together the pieces, mind you.

It took me 16 fucking years to accept that I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN. I always joke about how I would love it. That I could be the female version of Wolverine. Bring out the steel claws and all. But truth is I’m not a superwoman. I’m just a woman (wanted to say regular woman, but I think some would contest that. I’ve been told I’m not regular or simple)

I got so used to being the dependable and responsible one, that I stopped giving myself any other option. So, I pushed myself into believing that there was nothing I couldn’t handle – how mistaken I was!

Last year Break Point arrived but I still didn’t give in. I kept telling myself, there is nothing to worry about. It’s all good. I did random, did stupid, did drunk, did mad, did everything I could – everything I shouldn’t have, because I was once again trying to prove to myself that I was all good. Bull shit. I did, but only to fool myself. I was running scared and didn’t know what else to do.

All it took was a low phase in my career, loneliness and my so called super powers put together to break me. I mean I’ve been through much much worse. And survived. But this time round I broke because I didn’t have it in me to survive and yet, I wouldn’t give in.

I’ve been trying to sort out my life now for the last few months or so. There was that one morning around 3 months ago, when I woke up and hated myself. It took all my will power and courage to get back on my feet and look at myself in the mirror that morning. I didn’t like what I saw. I was disgusted.

I don’t ever want to go back there again. So I accept now that I am not superwoman. I am just a regular somebody, maybe a nobody. And that’s ok.

Now I cry when I’m sad. I hurt when I miss my loved ones. I am lonely and I am sad a lot nowadays. I want to be loved and be taken care of. I want to be pampered – have breakfast in bed, be given flowers, not worry about bill payments, be happy and all such little things.

I am not perfect but i think i have done a decent job where my responsibilities and family are concerned. I should be proud of myself and that also gives me the right to be happy and expect happiness in my own life. I'm hoping it will come my way someday!

I don’t want to be superwoman but definitely want to be special. And I am ok with the fact that I cried even while I was typing this.