I’ve had no co-operation from myself in the writing department for some time now. And that’s been irritating me. So, today when all of a sudden ‘tube light jali’, I was very excited. Not wanting to lose the momentum, I thought let me write about whatever comes to my mind. And, the result is this.
Just observations.
From all the time well spent recently at bars/pubs. Think there is merit after all in having a drink or two by yourself. You get to observe people around you and it’s quite an enriching experience. You learn who stay away from when in such places. :-)
We all have those days when we need to celebrate or be alone or drown in our sorrows or just de-stress and more often than not, at such times we end up at the nearest bar/pub. Where we either get pissed drunk or end up on the bar top dancing away to glory. Or so I would like to believe, coz’ if regular people genrally don’t end up at a bar and I’m on the only one who does, then I might just have to consider declaring myself a social misfit.
Anyway, to carry on with my observations. I have figured that there are a few usual suspects who you will always encounter at bars. Now, you may not have the fortune of meeting all of them together at one single place, but by and large you will be exposed to some of these creatures at all times. One of the reasons, me thinks, people drink more at bars!
So, such is my list of the usual suspects:
PDA affected: You know, like famine affected! Just 5 words - get yourselves a room, puhleease! I mean, I have nothing against PDA but unless your aged 21 and below, seriously, this is the wrong place for you to be all over each other like monkeys.
The “Woo Hoo” Girls: If I’m not mistakes this comes to us from “How I Met Your Mother.” I have not watched this, I have to admit but read reviews. Nevertheless, this group is still annoying as hell and they just haven’t grown up. These girls just love to scream. When their exotic looking cocktail arrives, they scream. When Bieber/Rihanna comes on, they scream. When their other Woo Hoo girl arrives, they scream. When one of the Woo Hoo girls comes back from the bathroom with her lipstick smudged, they scream. And with each successive drink, the screams get louder and shriller.
The Guy Wearing Sunglasses Inside: Why? Because he’s a dumb fuck. It’s clearly not sunny inside; he just likes to give this vibe which in his mind is equal to being cool, without realizing that all it’s actually doing is labeling him a douche bag.
The Bro: Our “bro” goes around giving everyone in the room “bro” hand-shakes or hugs so that every bro knows he knows lots of BROS. I’ve never really understood this one – how is it helping him? He still has to pay for his own drinks, right?
The Rich Daddy’s Boy: This boy acts as if he owns the fucking place. Like he can buy the place a hundred times over at the snap of his fingers. That, all he has at his disposal, has been earned by him and not his Dad. He makes it sound like he actually has done something in life, and is incredibly smart even though the only thing he fucking does is smile at his trust fund aka daddy dearest!
The Rich Daddy’s Girl: This girl has an agenda from the start. She has a one point agenda - to find a guy willing to marry her lifestyle, support her so called social responsibilities of shopping trips, holidays, spa routines and so on. And take over her daddy’s business. Daddy’s girl is typically the slut who will even buy the guys shots. She’s getting it in for the night and Daddy is sponsoring it.
Pappu can’t dance saala: You will always find this guy, one who can’t dance for nuts. He has to be the one to have the worst dance moves ever. You cringe every time you look his way, want him to pass out or something to save him from the embarrassment, until you realise that he’s just downed a few shots of his poison, he knows how bad he is, but he’s he doesn’t give a damn and is loving it. Maybe, you are the one with the problem?
Outta place couple trying to be romantic:
Of all the quiet, romantic places you could go, to have a nice night, you chose this loud, crowded bar? Never mind the fact that you can’t hear one another over the Bieber songs blaring away, but there is nothing romantic about a bunch of really drunk, really sweaty people grinding against the walls or Woo Hoo girls shrieking and all.
Of all the quiet, romantic places you could go, to have a nice night, you chose this loud, crowded bar? Never mind the fact that you can’t hear one another over the Bieber songs blaring away, but there is nothing romantic about a bunch of really drunk, really sweaty people grinding against the walls or Woo Hoo girls shrieking and all.
Bathroom Gang of Girls: I was introduced to this gang by my best friend. Her impersonation of these chicks is howlarious and so bang on. They talk nonstop most often in the loo - “I’m like he asked for my number and I was like who the fuck does he think he is” “He was like so totally coming onto me and I was like this is so not happening”. They come to a bar/pub only to make their way to the loo for conversation. They might as well also pee while they at it.
And you feel like yelling out – can you stop crying about the boy that totally blew you off and let someone else use the toilet? And the rest of the girls in the world who just happen to take a long time to do their business, HURRY THE FUCK UP!
The Angry young man
This guy is always angry. He has an issue with everything in life. He has “I am angry and mind fucked” written on his face. We don’t know why and we may never know, but he’s angry. This particular type is deceptive. Much like the chameleon, he may blend-in with the crowd, appearing somber or even friendly, before launching into a fitful and loud rage. He picks fights, hassles the waiters, doesn’t tip and has opinions about everything. And for sure, while on his way back to his apartment (that smells like bourbon and cigarettes) ends up punching a few people for no reason.
Annoyingly Hot Girl – I’ve read about this from time to time and I think there is merit here:
Not all will agree that a hot woman can be ‘annoyingly hot’ but it’s there all the same. The AHG is usually dressed to kill and very sure of herself. AHG’s sometimes move in packs and smoke expensive cigarette, carry cute clutches while trying to balance themselves on very pointed stilettos. I don’t know why they come to a bar – they don’t mingle or drink or even enjoy themselves. If they ever get hit on my guy, then he is dead meat. Note the complete disemboweling of this guy’s confidence as he’s simultaneously given the ‘cold-shoulder’, the ‘if looks could castrate stare" and a complete dismissal. The only saving grace of the AHG is that they are pleasant from a distance and they won’t bother you if you don’t even think of bothering them.
Nerdy awkward lurker
Lurker – always just around. He may or may not know anyone at the bar. Chances are you’ve seen him before and that’s it. He just wanders around to admire the wall art, woodwork or plants, just lurking around the shadows trying to build a soggy dam of self-confidence. He wants desperately to be liked and involved but lacks the balls to take charge of the situation. The resulting social impotence is displayed by nervously shifting, fake-laughing, and occasionally glancing at women. While generally harmless, he sometimes oversteps himself and makes extremely tasteless jokes or kills the mood with fake sincerity.
There are some more suspects in my list, but I think the tube light just died on me, again. So, im stuck!
