Bye Bye Superwoman

When the going gets tough, the tough get going – that’s what I would tell myself every time my world fell apart. And shit happened so bloody often that somewhere I think I forgot to give myself a break.

And then I broke down. Completely. I’m still putting together the pieces, mind you.

It took me 16 fucking years to accept that I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN. I always joke about how I would love it. That I could be the female version of Wolverine. Bring out the steel claws and all. But truth is I’m not a superwoman. I’m just a woman (wanted to say regular woman, but I think some would contest that. I’ve been told I’m not regular or simple)

I got so used to being the dependable and responsible one, that I stopped giving myself any other option. So, I pushed myself into believing that there was nothing I couldn’t handle – how mistaken I was!

Last year Break Point arrived but I still didn’t give in. I kept telling myself, there is nothing to worry about. It’s all good. I did random, did stupid, did drunk, did mad, did everything I could – everything I shouldn’t have, because I was once again trying to prove to myself that I was all good. Bull shit. I did, but only to fool myself. I was running scared and didn’t know what else to do.

All it took was a low phase in my career, loneliness and my so called super powers put together to break me. I mean I’ve been through much much worse. And survived. But this time round I broke because I didn’t have it in me to survive and yet, I wouldn’t give in.

I’ve been trying to sort out my life now for the last few months or so. There was that one morning around 3 months ago, when I woke up and hated myself. It took all my will power and courage to get back on my feet and look at myself in the mirror that morning. I didn’t like what I saw. I was disgusted.

I don’t ever want to go back there again. So I accept now that I am not superwoman. I am just a regular somebody, maybe a nobody. And that’s ok.

Now I cry when I’m sad. I hurt when I miss my loved ones. I am lonely and I am sad a lot nowadays. I want to be loved and be taken care of. I want to be pampered – have breakfast in bed, be given flowers, not worry about bill payments, be happy and all such little things.

I am not perfect but i think i have done a decent job where my responsibilities and family are concerned. I should be proud of myself and that also gives me the right to be happy and expect happiness in my own life. I'm hoping it will come my way someday!

I don’t want to be superwoman but definitely want to be special. And I am ok with the fact that I cried even while I was typing this.

THE DEMISE OF ‘NICE’

That’s a nice dress

It was a nice movie

He’s a nice guy

Your shoes are nice.

The dictionary defines the word NICE as pleasing, kind and showing courtesy. And till some time ago, that was true. But somewhere along, I think that the word ‘nice’ has gone from having positive character to having no character at all.

Try thinking of all the recent times when you have used the word ‘nice’ and somewhere you will notice it was more often to be noncommittal and just border on giving a positive vibe rather than actually meaning anything else.  When we don’t want to say anything and yet have to say something, ‘Nice’ crops up.

I am seriously done with the word ‘Nice’. Of course, I have a personal war going on with this word, but that apart I have difficulty in understanding what people mean when they use the word ‘Nice’. It’s so vague and unrevealing that more often than not, I’m left with a huge question mark in my mind. Which pretty much doubles my anxiety and confusion (to some extent) since I’m left with having to try and figure out ‘what in the bloody hell was that nice all about’.

Now, if you were an artist, a poet, a chef, a designer, a writer, a painter, would you settle for your work to be described as ‘Nice’? I think not.

What would you think if you had just shared your 1st kiss with a guy you really like and he ends up saying ‘Oh that was really nice’?  You will flip over it and it wouldn’t matter what he meant because to you it means it’s nothing to write home about. I mean, you would be better off if he had made some satisfied sound like ‘mmmmmm’. But definitely not ‘Nice’.

And, if you pay close attention to the use of the word ‘nice’, you will notice that ‘Nice’ is almost always if not always followed by the word ‘but’. And the ‘But’ adds more food for thought than the ‘Nice’ did. More so, the ‘but’ has negative or not so positive implications. The ‘but’ actually leads to a definite point of view to the context while the ‘nice’ is a loosely used term with no meaning at all. It just gives the user a certain, often misplaced benefit of doubt. Abstract to a great extent.

Now, in my mind some of the reasons for excessive usage of the word ‘Nice’:

1.      Laziness – Let’s accept it - we are just too fucking lazy and ‘nice’ is the easiest and simplest thing to say. We don’t want to tax our brains (Of course, assuming that we actually use our brains at all)

2.      Limited vocabulary - One would think that with over a quarter million words in the dictionary, we can be more creative in our vocabulary. But I think, with most of us spending so much time BBing, texting, using short forms and slang etc, reading has left the building a long time ago, never to come back.

3.      We just don’t express our true feelings and enthusiasm everyday which leads to unimaginative conversation. Nonversation, as my best friend would say.

4.      It’s easier to be vague and noncommittal than to say what we really want to.

Thus, coming back to my point that ‘Nice’ no longer has any clear cut connotations to it. ‘Nice’ has become one of those socially accepted throwaway terms that actually gives ample cause for unclear thinking. It’s been overused to the point of being meaningless.

Simply put & correct me if I’m wrong, but if someone described me or you as nice, it would mean nothing to us, right? If at all, it would be considered to have more negative implications like boring, submissive even prudish than anything else.

Of course, anyone who knows me well would not use that term to describe me, but I’m just saying –NICE JUST DOES NOT CUT ICE, ANYMORE!

It's time to rant and rave!

Im new to blogging, but definetely not new to ranting. That's the secret to my sanity, some would call it insanity. But thats ok!
So, here it is. My personal list of things i can do without.

1. Being a facebook/BB/WhatsApp friend does not make you anyone's soulmate/ bestest friend ever and so on. Just putting up statuses that have 'xoxo' ' u r d best' liking everything etc does not make you special. Its quite annoying to see people expressing their undying love for others over Facebook. If you want to do it, pick up the phone darling. Go meet your soulmate. Tell him/her face to face. Means a lot more, don't you think?
2. It's so not cool when your jeans do not fit you well and pretty much hang from somewhere below the waist. I understand there is low waist, anti-fit, baggy fit and all that. But i'm saying it openly -i don't want to see your underwear. If you don't have flab all over you, if you don't have to keep hitching your jeans up every 5 mins to prevent them from falling and seriously if and only if you a body to die for, well then mayb i can think of taking the risk. But otherwise, stick to the basics. Wear jeans that fit well, wear a belt, don't show off your butt crack and save us all from an early death.
3. I want to get as far away as possible when i see women driving. And i do not begrudge men when they say that 'women can't drive'. Yes there are exceptions, but not too many. Women - figure out the left side form the right side, please. Don't fidget, comb your hair, ruffle through your never ending bag - just drive. If you won't drive above 40Km/hour, then move your fat asses to the left lane and stay there. If you can't park, then you can't park. Period. Women - make a choice - drive like your supposed to or stay away from the steering wheel.
4. So, the flight has just landed - Touchdown. And even before we have taxied into our slot, mobile phones have been switched on, seat belts off, people standing, pulling out hand luggage. Arrgghhh!! whats the hurry, may i know? It will take atleast 10 to 15 minutes to get going right?  There's no changing that. So why the queue? This not a train, let me make it clear. It's a plane.There is a difference.
5. To all those who didn't know - perfumes, deos, body mist, talcom powder - all of this and more is available everywhere. So use it. If you don't have body odor - well great. Use it just because its nice to smell good. And if you do have body odor (its ok-a lot of people do), well then just do us a favour and use deo or something. Think of it as public service.
6. If you chirpy and happy in the morning, good for you. Im not and never will be. Im not a morning person so stay away. Do not send me good morning text messages, forwards with thought for the day and such shit. I can do without it. I need caffeine and silence first thing in the morning - nothing else!
7. Do not assume that everybody today is a gadget freak and understands all those so called wonderful things your so called Intelligent phones can do. Do not make it the only point of conversation in a group. Most often there will be someone (like me for eg.) who will not understand jack shit of what is being said and pretty much want to kill you.

I can go on and on, but thats it for now.