20 years to this day!

2 decades and nothing has changed. Well not much..

20 years to this day the pain is as strong as ever. Time does not heal, at least not in my case. This is a void I have lived with and will continue to live with till my end arrives.

My only saving grace comes from the fact that I still have a few memories – very few. 20 years seem like a goddamn lifetime and more. While the 5 maybe 7 years before that just reduced to 5 maybe 7 memories. Life is an absolute bitch and today is one of those days.

I can still see him – getting ready for work. Wearing clothes laid out by mom. Jeans and a shirt sometimes paired with mismatched socks. But he would wear it without a care in the world. After all, mom had chosen them. And I can see her too – taking 3 hours to get ready. Anuja and me sitting in a corner, watching this miracle. She would walk out looking like a fucking million dollars. Well dad definitely thought so. The look on his face said it all. Every time.

Every morning when Dad left for work, the whole building would know that Bharat uncle has just walked out – his perfume would make his presence known. And every time the car was brought right up to the entrance, it was known that Kalpana aunty is all dressed up and going somewhere. Both of them attracted crowds.

Anuja hated it. She would go running out of the house screaming at the top of her voice ‘Mere Appa hain’ if any of the other children tried to even talk to dad, push them away and cling to him like a monkey.  I loved it when Mom would walk out looking as lovely as she was, always wondering if when I could look like her. Dress like her. Be like her.

Anuja and mom dancing to Govinda songs. Gyrating away. Dad never knew how to react to it. He loved it and hated it. But always sat through it.

That time I sang ‘Like a virgin’ on stage with Dad proudly standing right in front of me – I’ll never forget his smile. I’ll never be able to be to hear the song and not remember him.

Mom running the parents race on our annual sports day in a baby pink sari and heels. Imagine. And she won. I still have a picture of her on the dais.

Dad and mom dancing to ‘More than a woman’. Sunday mornings having breakfast at Radha Krishna with dad. Paper dosa special. Sunday afternoon lunch being served at 4 pm coz mom got up only at 1 pm. But the best chicken curry ever. Sunday evenings at Juhu beach – candy floss galore.

May be a few more memories and that’s it. That’s where it all ends. Wonder why the pain never goes away. It’s just so little to survive by.

There is but one silver lining in my black cloud. Anuja found Appa and Amma 5 years. And i found Aai and Baba 2 years ago. Took it's own sweet fucking time. But we got there. 

I am a different person than I was 20 years ago. Hell yeah. But what remains unchanged is that I still miss the before, and Afterwards is still so hard.